Friday, January 24, 2014
You Can’t Make Love Until You Make Peace
Before I launch into another excerpt from my book, Heartgasm!, one of the most important sections has to do with getting old “stuff” out of the way, so you can be in the moment with what’s going on in your life in general, or your relationships, (or lack of) in particular.
If you’re still fostering old resentments from the past, living in the shadows of deeply instilled patterns you’ve inherited from your parents or your family, it’s time you started noticing when you’re thinking or declaring things that you no longer really believe and don’t want to perpetuate. Letting go of an old negative belief on the spot and replacing it with a more positive though can become a great habit if you’re relentless in paying attention to what you think and say. Perhaps you have a friend who’ll help keep you in check.
Your heart knows what you want, and it’s up to you to open the limitless possibilities it presents in your life — especially how you want to feel in your intimate life, were you to just allow it:
Before Making Love, Clear up the Past
How is “Making Love” different than sex?
Making love is intimate and requires opening your heart to loving your partner – sex is sex.
Let’s expand this definition and talk about sex combined with making love.
How can you make love to a partner you’re not getting along with? Can you make love if you aren’t talking to each other? How do you get “off” upsets?
What do you do when one person wants sex and the other doesn’t?
In this chapter, you’ll be introduced to many tools that will help you to communicate better. It is only when you can talk together peaceably that the relationship will expand, grow, and give you the loving intimacy you so desire. In this way the two of you can become greater than either one of you individually, and still both retaining your unique individuality.
My First Marriage
Let’s go back to that time when I was desperately unhappy and spent hours in the bathtub, gazing out over the valley below, wondering if I would ever be happy again, and not knowing how to tell my husband what was wrong. He didn’t seem to want to listen to me about sex. He had heard it all before and he just didn’t want to go there. What could I do to make him change?
Now, many years later, I realize that I was fixated on how I could change him, not about what I could change about myself. It has taken me many years to realize that you can never make anyone change. I used to think that I could use positive thinking to change my partner.
Since everyone has free will, your partner has to decide they want to change. In fact, the more you push against someone, the more likely they will resist change.
The only way you can influence another to change is to be the change you want to see in them. By being and acting who you hope others would be, they can see how well it works for you and decide to go there with you. On the other hand, because you are both now operating on different vibrational levels, the other person might well decide to go elsewhere – it’s entirely up to them.
In romantic relationships, chances are, that you both fantasized that the other person had qualities you imposed on them, and only later, when the initial feelings of euphoria had faded away, realize that you barely know that person, and often, that you wish you didn’t know that person as well as you do now.
What to do? A relationship can only work if both people are ready, willing and able to change, or at least be willing to talk about why things aren’t working. Willing communication is the key to most of what you will learn in this book.
At some point, you may realize that you really don’t belong with this person, because there is just no opening for negotiation. If it’s “my way or the highway,” maybe it is time to move on. The Irish Catholic family pattern in the era when my parents got together was, that women don’t have a say. When my dad made a decision, that was it – it became the rule. My mom was expected to obey his every edict. Hopefully we’ve come a long way since those days, but many families still operate from this old paradigm.
It is not really satisfying for either person. Ideally, both people in a relationship are equal. Only then can a relationship grow to heights of ecstasy beyond what gender- restricted relationships offer. This is not to say that women and men aren’t different – just equal in their rights as human beings.
If, at any point in this process, you reach an impasse with your partner, try to process through the problem with the materials offered in this book.
Remember, this won’t work if only one of you wants to do it. You both have to be willing to look at the problems and be willing to make some changes. Both of you have to take 100% responsibility because the law of attraction is operating at all levels of your life. You can’t go searching on the outside for what’s wrong. You might ask yourself, “What signal is it that I’m putting out to attract the abuse I’m receiving?”
“Am I taking responsibility for what’s coming my way, especially from my partner?” It’s only when you take 100% responsibility for your own life that things can change.
Do you know what the definition of insanity is? It’s when you keep doing things the same way expecting different results.
As a follow-up, I encourage your comments or questions about this post. If you’ve been through similar predicaments in your relationships, please share your thoughts and feelings. Or maybe you have a “change of heart” story you’d like to share. And, as always, I appreciate your sharing this post on Twitter and Facebook (globaltoni for both).
Love and blessings,
Posted by Toni De Marco at 12:37 AM
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Why Forgiveness Allows Leaving the Past Behind
Have you ever felt depressed about seemingly uncontrollable events happening in your life and started to “dis” yourself, i.e. start beating yourself up mentally for having allowed a stressful event to happen? A friend of mine and I were talking about this last night, and although learning to love yourself — even in this most desperate of circumstances, is eventually needed to move out of this situation.
But this may not be where you are able to go. What might be easier is to forgive yourself — forgive yourself for having been responsible for your part in this creation — and then of course, to forgive all other people places, things, and events that you might be blaming. Here is an excerpt from my book, “HEARTGASM! – Increasing Intimacy & Ecstasy with Your Beloved”© about forgiveness:
Forgiveness – Severing the Ugly Cords
Binding the Past to Your Present
Forgiving the Unforgivable Requires Opening Your Heart to Yourself
Forgiveness is prime among the things you can do to clear a space in your consciousness and get on with your life. Mental garbage clutters up our mental space and makes it hard to think clearly. I once took a course in energy healing and through visualizing what “thoughts” might look like if you could see them, we became familiar with “thought forms.” I soon started to think of negative thought forms as dark little boxes of energy floating around in one’s aura. A really practiced psychic practitioner can actually see these thought forms.
Have you and your partner cleared a space for the possibility of sex, or are you still mad at each other? Chances are, a couple’s being mad at each other starts with being adamant that you are right. So much so in fact, that you must make the other person wrong. With this attitude, there is no space for forgiveness or negotiation.
Learning more about forgiveness is just the beginning of a process where you will begin to see that it is not the other person, but you that you are not forgiving. Once you can begin to forgive your self, you will soon see that not forgiving the other person is just holding you back from a happy and fulfilling life.
The Buddha on Forgiveness
“Resentment is the kind of anger that you carry around for a long time. It is like a hot coal that you pick up and intend to throw at somebody else, but the whole time it is burning you. We give up a lot of energy by holding on.”
The following is a good example of not being able to forgive. Almost everybody has some relative that did something so horrendous to them, that they will never, ever forgive them. Unfortunately, this gives deceased relatives the power to continue hurting us all our lives, even though those people may have been dead for 20 years.
Anna’s Forgiveness Breakthrough
At a workshop I facilitated in Mullumbimby (a little village near Byron Bay), Australia, there was a woman, Anna, who was unable to forgive her whole community, including her mother and entire family. They were holding something against her for which she did not feel responsible. She felt she was completely right, and all the rest of them were completely wrong in unfairly judging her.
When asked how heavy a weight this was to carry around, you could see just by her body language that it was unbearably heavy. She said this had ruined her life, and even though she had long left this place behind, on being questioned, she admitted that she dragged it along behind her everywhere she went.
“What if you could forgive your community,” I posited, “and you could let go of this old baggage you are dragging around? You know, you are not hurting them by being unforgiving. It is you, yourself, that you are hurting. How much more hurt and pain are you willing to keep submitting yourself to?”
She then flew into a rage, which very soon broke down into a flood of tears, all the while sobbing, “I cannot forgive them! What they have done to my reputation and to me is un-forgivable.”
I held her while she continued sobbing, reminding her that it was her choice to give it up – that she could keep holding on to it as long as she wanted to.
After a few minutes, she sat up and dried her tears and announced, “You are right. I don’t want to feel like this any more. I don’t want to forgive them, but I will.”
“And who else are you willing to forgive?” She immediately knew it was herself that she also had to forgive.
At that point I guided the entire group through the “forgiveness process,” which I had the young lady in question read out loud. Nothing could have more clearly demonstrated the forgiveness process, than what the entire group had not only witnessed, but participated in, just by holding the space for this amazing breakthrough to happen.
I think we can all now agree with Mother Theresa who said, “We know that if we really want to love we must learn to forgive.”
Who is it that you have to forgive? Is it un-forgivable? Why?
Getting out paper and pen again, write what & whom you consider “unforgivable.” An example of something you might write could be, “I can’t forgive my mother for what she did to me.”
Why is being right more important than “getting off it” and getting on with your life? When are you going to be so sick and tired of dragging your old baggage around that you are willing to give it up?
Once you have determined who in your own life you need to forgive the most, I suggest going through a process forgiving all people, places, things, and events tied into your feelings of not wanting to forgive — part of which is forgiving yourself. Then continue to do this every day for the next week, or as often as is necessary, to let go of the old baggage of “un-forgiveness” you are dragging behind you everywhere you go.
In closing, I encourage your comments about this post. If you’ve got people you need to forgive, please share your feelings about this. Or maybe you have a forgiveness story you’d like to share. And, as always, I appreciate your sharing this post on Twitter and Facebook.
Love and blessings,
Posted by Toni De Marco at 9:46 AM
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Hi Friends —
I hope you liked my re-entry into the blogosphere, and hopefully you’ve been inspired with some fresh, new ideas about how to have a better relationship through the excerpts from my new book, “HE♥RTGASM! – Increasing Intimacy & Ecstasy with Your Beloved.”© More follows, and I’m looking forward to seeing you here when you can break away for a breath of fresh air..
“The Evolution of My Own Life Became My Book’s H.E.A.R.T. System
In revealing my five simple and practical secrets to light your relationship on fire, I share with you my personal journey from failed partnerships to relationship success, illustrating how the principals in “HEARTGASM!” can take your sacred union to the next level of fulfillment.
These five secrets are really simple and are guaranteed perk up your relationship, however, depending on where you are starting, they may or may not be easy. Nonetheless, I promise you, that if you practice each of these secrets in the order that they are presented, it won’t take you long to have a growing and thriving partnership.
My Steps Along the Way
Having been in the public eye for years, I am well positioned and finally experienced and wise enough, to be the spokesperson who nurtures people into taking this leap into higher consciousness. My career as a relationship guru evolved out of my own experiences, starting out with five years of scholarship-awarded university studies, evolving to becoming a super-model cover girl, and eventually actress, author, and producer. Getting here was not always easy nor was it always a straight path.
When I was very young, it was supposed to work like this: Your knight in shining armor sweeps you up on his stallion and together you ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after.
But by the time I was seven, I had developed this nagging suspicion that maybe things wouldn’t be so perfect after all. By then I had decided that my parents were full of s**t and that grownups couldn’t be trusted.
Still, I had hope. All those romantic novels I had read in my teen years couldn’t have been wrong, could they? They depicted lovers having this beautiful spiritual bonding, holding them together regardless of the problems which beset them, and which in fact, cemented the love between them even greater than before. But as you will see in the upcoming chapters of this book, that’s not the way it turned out.
My life’s path to find my dream of spiritual partnership grew out of my need to fix my parents, and therefore to fix my relationships and myself.
Thus commenced my life-long search to understand what makes people tick, which is probably one of the reasons I initially decided to become an actress. From the time of about age18 on, I launched into an intense study of everything holistic I could get my hands on. Over the last 40 years my background has grown to include an extensive knowledge of psychology, physiology, spirituality, and metaphysics.
Connecting from the Intelligence of the Heart
Trust That the Heart Knows What to Say
Perhaps people start out their relationship-life all backwards – I certainly did. First they have sex, then they fall in love, and then they realize that they can’t talk to each other. Chances are if you’re not talking, you’re not having sex. That’s why in “HEARTGASM!,” I propose you first learn how to relate, and then how to love (especially how to love yourself) – both of which finally enhance your sex life. Not that you can’t do it the other way, but you’d better have relationship-tools as a back up when the honeymoon is over.
How would you like to be able to have a perfect intimate relationship in which you have loving ecstatic sex? In everyone’s heart of hearts, this is their deepest desire.
In modern cultures, the desire of a man to become wealthy is often behind wanting to attract the perfect wife. Conversely, a woman’s desire to be beautiful is often to attract the perfect husband. Dr. Hyla Cass says “This is biologically built in: Men want beautiful women – healthy child-bearers, for reproduction;
women want wealthy men who can go out and hunt and bring home the buffalo...so we have to deal with some biological realities...”
Like in David Byrne’s lyrics, “Once in a Lifetime,” people work all their lives to achieve their dreams and wake up one day with the realization that the life they’ve created – with the perfect wife, house, and car – isn’t what they really wanted after all, and they can’t compute how they’ve allowed this to happen.
This book was created to help people to find themselves through their hearts, to learn to relate to their loved ones through their hearts (and whether married or single), to transform their relationships into heaven on earth.
Welcome to this journey to finding yourself – and in so doing, finding all that you desire.”
Now is a great time to take advantage of some enticing freebies
by registering on my Website Http://www.ToniDeMarco.com
Also please like me on both my personal and business Facebook pages
And please follow me on Twitter
Thanks and see you next time,
Posted by Toni De Marco at 3:39 PM
Monday, October 21, 2013
A New Start for a Bogged-Down Blog
Hi My Wonderful Blogger Friends —
Yes, my blog did get ignored for a long time while I was finishing my new book, “HE♥RTGASM! – Increasing Intimacy & Ecstasy with Your Beloved.”© However, now that it’s been published I can get back to business:
It’s very exciting to see the growing numbers of friends and followers who visit my Facebook and Twitter pages and are finding out about “HE♥RTGASM!”
One of my short-term goals is to attend one of Steve Harrison's bi-annual National Publicity Summits in NYC where I will meet 80 - 100 of the top media producers face-to-face, thus increasing my ability to book some of the top TV and radio shows, as well as national magazines and newspapers. One good National TV talk show like Oprah, can put Heartgasm ‘on the map’ and literally make it a best-seller overnight.
Yes, you might say, “But everyone wants their book to be a best-seller. Why is yours different?” Here’s why: “HE♥RTGASM!” bucks the trend to separate relationship books from books about sex and intimacy. Don’t these come together? Yes, in life, but “not necessarily” in the book-publishing world. Excuse me, this is an obvious “no brainer” that needs to be acknowledged in the arena of well-written, distinguished, truly transformational and spiritually enlightening books, which up to now, have been hard to find.
And just to prove to you that I know my stuff, I’ve decided to place excerpts from “HE♥RTGASM!” in my blogs and also on my Facebook and Twitter pages so you can see for yourself how singles and couples can benefit from reading it. Here’s the beginning of my book and I’ll continue to post more and more to make sure no one misses how “HE♥RTGASM!” can help to transform the world…
“Sometimes seems like just yesterday that I was lying in my bathtub with tears streaming down my face, “I don’t understand why he won’t talk to me about sex. I can’t stand not having sex for months at a time – it just doesn’t work for me. I wish there was something I could do about it.”
But nothing I’d tried seemed to work. Every day I would sit in my bathtub and cry.
Even though my husband and I owned a beautiful Mediterranean villa overlooking the Hollywood Hills and had a Mercedes and a Porsche in the garage, I was desperately unhappy.
That’s when I realized that money and fame were empty and meaningless without being satisfied with my inner-self and my relationship.
Practically virgins when we married, we just didn’t know enough about sex to make it work. He kept telling me I was frigid. I didn’t feel frigid but I didn’t have orgasms either and was beginning to believe him.
We broke up for a period of time and I went away and had an affair. For me it was a wonderful healing because I realized that I was fully orgasmic and there was nothing wrong with me.
Thus began a new phase of my life in which I spent a great deal of time trying to fix my relationship, fix myself, and learn more about the spiritual side of life. And somewhere along that path I decided that realizing enlightenment in this lifetime had become part of the process.
My husband and I actually had a very close connection because we had so much love for each other. We did everything together, and if we had a break from work, we even had lunch together. We had similar interests and similar tastes in art. If we’d been able to resolve our sexual issues we might still have been together.
So why couldn’t we resolve our sexual issues?
We were used to communicating on a very shallow level. We didn’t have the skills or tools to communicate about relationship issues. If we’d had that, along with the love we already felt for each other, we might have been able to make things work.
That’s why the first section of this book, Secret 1, has been designed specifically to help you to resolve your relationship problems through improving your communication skills – skills specific to opening your heart.
Once you have the tools for expressing your feelings, and asking your partner for what you would prefer, you will even find that you can communicate better sexually. In these ways you can create more intimacy and enhance and expand your heart connection.
By going through each of the five secrets in the order in which they’re
presented, you’ll gain knowledge and understanding that leads to building the intimacy and love that you seek.
Relating Through Love
Through “HEARTGASM!,” you will gain the knowing that there is a way to have a great relationship and fabulous sex by acknowledging your own sacred hearts and lives in partnership with your significant other.
Essential in a great relationship is to be introduced to your own inner Sacred Relationship. Through learning to listen to the intuition of your heart, and finding the love within, loving yourself becomes possible. This is the fast track to rise above the power struggles of a relationship devoid of spirit and finding truly unconditional love for your partner.
You will come to understand that love is the greatest healer there is. It can truly liberate your heart and soul, helping you to soar beyond petty differences, and instead, allowing you to appreciate your individuality, free your creativity, and re-create your world in a new paradigm of how real freedom can look.
You’ll discover that by reversing the long-ignored feminine intuitive process, in both men and women, you can add measurably to the way that both partners can experience equality, at the same time playing on the beautiful and obvious differences between the sexes.
Becoming a Soul Couple
Perhaps most importantly, through practicing the advanced communication skills in ““HEARTGASM!,” you can truly become a “soul couple,” where you and your partner agree to going for the higher, greatest good – allowing you to safely negotiate for what you both want as individuals, and as a couple – actually getting what you want!
And just in case you think that this book is just for couples, it isn’t. Even if you don’t have a partner, what you learn will help you to avoid the pitfalls of an uninformed relationship, and actually help you attract the right partner.
Both singles and couples can participate in experiential processes that are fun and rewarding. You’ll learn techniques in how to ask for what you want, especially in how you would like to be touched, thus leading to greater appreciation, intimacy and a genuinely loving relationship.
There is also a juicy section devoted just to sensual techniques – always performed in alignment with our Higher Selves, which can actually bring you to experiencing enlightenment.”
Please tune in for more to come…
Posted by Toni De Marco at 3:53 PM
Thursday, February 2, 2012
How I Got My Perfect Book Title, “HE♥RTGASM – Increase Intimacy and Ecstasy with Your Beloved”©, & Excerpt from Chapter 1, Hands on Heart Process
In line with “giving away my best content” for free, over the next few months, I’ll be posting some of my best segments directly from my new book, “HE♥RTGASM – Increase Intimacy and Ecstasy with Your Beloved”© due out in April with Hay House’s Balboa Press. In case you didn’t notice, this is the most recent version of my book title, which I have to admit, changes more frequently than I change my hairdo.
Here is a little story about the new title, which everyone agrees is a winner -- at least everyone in Robert Allen’s great 3-day seminar. Let me explain….
“HE♥RTGASM – Increase Intimacy and Ecstasy with Your Beloved,” my new book title, was the MIRACLE that happened at Robert Allen’s Multiple Streams of Income Seminar this last weekend:
Little did I know that we would spend the whole first day working on getting the perfect book title, a subject dear to his heart, since Robert Allen’s first book, “Nothing Down,” was on the New York Times best-seller list for over 10 years running. And his more recent book, co-penned with Mark Victor Hansen, “ The One Minute Millionaire,” also did extremely well. Not to mention the ten or so books in between. It all begins with a book with a great, “hooky” title.
I smugly felt very that I already had a great book with a great title, and that it would be a snap to create a book-cover poster that everyone would love. Running in from lunch at the last minute, I scribbled my cover and just barley got it up on the display wall, running in a big circle around the conference room. Unfortunately, going clockwise, the only space left was the last spot at the far end of the circle.
We were supposed place 1 of 3 pink post-it notes on the titles we liked. And we were to use 3 blue post-its for the titles we didn’t like.
I was so certain that I had the perfect title for my new book that I was shocked when my title didn’t seem to work with my group. No one put any stickers at all on mine, so I put on one of my own pink stickers. My book didn’t get noticed at all, and quite frankly, even if people hadn’t liked it, that would have been better than not being noticed at all. The writing was “on the wall” so to speak. By the end of the day, I finally had to admit that I needed a more compelling title.
Robert’s coaching included the suggestion that “if your title hasn’t worked today, make it your intention when you go to bed tonight, that when you wake up in the morning, that you will have your new book title.” I immediately made a note to myself to do that.
That evening driving home, out of nowhere, the word “Heartgasm” popped into my head -- a very clear “download” of a title. And immediately after, the sub-title dropped in.
The next morning when asked if any of us had gotten any “Ah, ha’s!” my hand shot up in the air and Robert called on me. I told my whole story in front of the class, ending with announcing the new title, “HEARTGASM.”
Everyone started hooting and clapping -- one gal ran up and plastered pink post-it notes all over my body. People were roaring with laughter. When prompted for a sub-title, I said “That got downloaded next -- ‘Increase Intimacy and Ecstasy with Your Beloved’.” They obviously loved that too, and another gal ran up, also plastering me with pink post-its -- an uproariously funny moment that convinced me that “this must be THE ONE.” It was the highlight of the day.
Now that everything has calmed down, I’ve decided to keep “Relate>Love>Sex” as the brand-name for all my products and services in my leveraged progression plan, each with their own titles, like the book.
Let’s get back to the part of this blog that you will love, because you are going to learn a process you can do with anyone: your partner, spouse, friend (same sex ok), your parent, your sibling, your boss, your self – anyone. It’s called the “Hands on Heart Process,” and it magically creates a loving connection to who ever is willing to do it.
Hands on Heart Process
The first process I encourage readers to do, is to find a partner, whether it be a friend or a lover, who you can learn to connect with at your heart center. This helps get you right into the basic premise of relating from the heart. If no one is available, do it with yourself, sitting cross-legged in front of a mirror.
Since my “Hands on Heart” process can be done with a friend or lover, it’s not about sex (it can even be done with two same-sex people) -- it’s about connecting body, soul, and heart. This instant connection shows that we are all made of the same stuff – we are all the same inside.
[This photo taken from a “hands on heart” demonstration from my DVD, “Tantric Partner Yoga,” http://www.tantrapartneryoga.com/ (co-produced with Robert Frey)]
• The couple sits facing each other either knee-to-knee or closer if desired, like in the Yab-yum (the man sits cross-legged and the woman wraps her legs around him). Just make sure you are able to reach your partner’s heart with your right hand and vice-versa. Your left hand covers your partner’s right hand on your heart and vice-versa. Initially, close your eyes and feel your partner’s heart beat (this might take a minute or two).
• Then imagine that what you see behind your closed eyes is the color of your combined heart energies. You might even describe to each other what colors you are seeing. For example, people often see darks and purples, somewhat interspersed with energy bursts of subdued pinks, golds, and whites. There is no right or wrong in this, only that you use your imagination to describe the heart energies you are feeling between the two of you.
• Next, without moving your hands, open your eyes and gaze into your partner’s eyes. Since the left eye represents the feminine or receptive side, it is even more effective to gaze into each other’s left eye. This may be a bit uncomfortable at first, because people are not usually so direct. But stay with it and imagine that you are looking directly into their soul. You can imagine a bright white or gold light deep down inside and see their magnificence, their warm love, and the beauty that we all are inside, and then tell your partner what you see.
• Next you might want to do the Namaste Greeting. Holding hands up in a prayer position, hands intertwined if desired, come close enough now to almost be touching foreheads and repeat the following together: “The Divine in me, recognizes, and honors, the Divine in You – Namaste.” On saying Namaste, bow slightly to touch foreheads, and notice that your partner’s two eyes have merged into one – symbolic of the one we all are. Give your partner (or yourself) a nice hug, and then slowly separate and move apart.
Even if the only contact you have all day with your beloved is this one, it will give you the glue and sweetness you need to stay energetically connected with each other. Namaste…
About the Writer
Author, coach and trainer, Toni De Marco, has an extensive background in health, wholeness, and relationships which include sexuality. Her expertise is available for private coaching, group trainings (including teleseminars and Webinars), and facilitating trainings around the globe that are transformative and often life changing.
Find out more about De Marco’s trainings and offers go to
http://www.wellnesshealingcenter.com/ Toni's R.L.S. Trainings/Retreats
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Posted by Toni De Marco at 11:17 PM