Friday, January 24, 2014

You Can’t Make Love Until You Make Peace

You Can’t Make Love Until You Make Peace

Before I launch into another excerpt from my book, Heartgasm!, one of the most important sections has to do with getting old “stuff” out of the way, so you can be in the moment with what’s going on in your life in general, or your relationships, (or lack of) in particular.

If you’re still fostering old resentments from the past, living in the shadows of deeply instilled patterns you’ve inherited from your parents or your family, it’s time you started noticing when you’re thinking or declaring things that you no longer really believe and don’t want to perpetuate.  Letting go of an old negative belief on the spot and replacing it with a more positive though can become a great habit if you’re relentless in paying attention to what you think and say.  Perhaps you have a friend who’ll help keep you in check.

Your heart knows what you want, and it’s up to you to open the limitless possibilities it presents in your life — especially how you want to feel in your intimate life, were you to just allow it:

Before Making Love, Clear up the Past

How is “Making Love” different than sex?

Making love is intimate and requires opening your heart to loving your partner – sex is sex.

Let’s expand this definition and talk about sex combined with making love.

How can you make love to a partner you’re not getting along with? Can you make love if you aren’t talking to each other? How do you get “off” upsets?

What do you do when one person wants sex and the other doesn’t?

In this chapter, you’ll be introduced to many tools that will help you to communicate better. It is only when you can talk together peaceably that the relationship will expand, grow, and give you the loving intimacy you so desire. In this way the two of you can become greater than either one of you individually, and still both retaining your unique individuality.

My First Marriage

Let’s go back to that time when I was desperately unhappy and spent hours in the bathtub, gazing out over the valley below, wondering if I would ever be happy again, and not knowing how to tell my husband what was wrong. He didn’t seem to want to listen to me about sex. He had heard it all before and he just didn’t want to go there. What could I do to make him change?

Now, many years later, I realize that I was fixated on how I could change him, not about what I could change about myself. It has taken me many years to realize that you can never make anyone change. I used to think that I could use positive thinking to change my partner.

Since everyone has free will, your partner has to decide they want to change. In fact, the more you push against someone, the more likely they will resist change.

The only way you can influence another to change is to be the change you want to see in them. By being and acting who you hope others would be, they can see how well it works for you and decide to go there with you. On the other hand, because you are both now operating on different vibrational levels, the other person might well decide to go elsewhere – it’s entirely up to them.

In romantic relationships, chances are, that you both fantasized that the other person had qualities you imposed on them, and only later, when the initial feelings of euphoria had faded away, realize that you barely know that person, and often, that you wish you didn’t know that person as well as you do now.

What to do? A relationship can only work if both people are ready, willing and able to change, or at least be willing to talk about why things aren’t working. Willing communication is the key to most of what you will learn in this book.

At some point, you may realize that you really don’t belong with this person, because there is just no opening for negotiation. If it’s “my way or the highway,” maybe it is time to move on. The Irish Catholic family pattern in the era when my parents got together was, that women don’t have a say. When my dad made a decision, that was it – it became the rule. My mom was expected to obey his every edict. Hopefully we’ve come a long way since those days, but many families still operate from this old paradigm.

It is not really satisfying for either person. Ideally, both people in a relationship are equal. Only then can a relationship grow to heights of ecstasy beyond what gender- restricted relationships offer. This is not to say that women and men aren’t different – just equal in their rights as human beings.

If, at any point in this process, you reach an impasse with your partner, try to process through the problem with the materials offered in this book.

Remember, this won’t work if only one of you wants to do it. You both have to be willing to look at the problems and be willing to make some changes. Both of you have to take 100% responsibility because the law of attraction is operating at all levels of your life. You can’t go searching on the outside for what’s wrong. You might ask yourself, “What signal is it that I’m putting out to attract the abuse I’m receiving?”

“Am I taking responsibility for what’s coming my way, especially from my partner?” It’s only when you take 100% responsibility for your own life that things can change.

Do you know what the definition of insanity is? It’s when you keep doing things the same way expecting different results.


As a follow-up, I encourage your comments or questions about this post.  If you’ve been through similar predicaments in your relationships, please share your thoughts and feelings.  Or maybe you have a “change of heart” story you’d like to share.  And, as always, I appreciate your sharing this post on Twitter and Facebook (globaltoni for both).

Love and blessings,